The OOOOOh!lympics: Week One

When was the last time something made you go ‘oooooh!‘? Pretty recently, right? But when was the last time something with Olympic-bloody-spirit invoked that kind of emotion from deep within your being? The boys look at the week that’s been in the oooooh!lympics and bring that love from the podium to your ‘puter.

Clayton: Couldn’t Hack It

There has been some truly incredible action in week one of the London Olympics (have you even seen the table tennis? Incredible!). There’s been drama and shocks and surprises across the board. The Chinese and the Americans are as expected ruling the roost in the medal tally, with us poor Australians languishing somewhere around the ‘Really? That low?’ level. Our best chance of glory is always in the pool, what with being surrounded by all that blue stuff and spending all of our days being so bloody thirsty. But the men’s team who counted their chickens and named themselves Weapons Of Mass Destruction deservedly got their misfiring atoms handed to them on a platter. Thanks for nothing, fellas.

But what I wanted to talk about most is something that didn’t even happen this week. That’s right, I’m talking Grant Hackett, who has been in the news for apparently all the wrong reasons lately. Turns out the big man was addicted to sleeping pills at the height of his powers. And that he trashed his place and was an all-round bad boy for a whiles there.

I’m not and never would condone these actions. But I’ve got to say, I’m bloody surprised! I never would’ve thought The Hacker was capable of such things. He’s always struck me as the kind of guy who sleeps in his clothes the night before with all his homework done in a timely manner.

The big man is in London nonetheless. Getting his pundit on. Which is great that he’s still being supported and hasn’t suffered too much Tiger-like sponsorship quarantining. But I’ve got to say that this whole affair took me by surprise. Who knew the man was capable of anything except smiling politely and smelling of cardboard? No disrespect intended, but I just didn’t think there was much depth to the guy.

And for better or for worse, this was something that made me think. This was something that made me go oooooh!

And thank bloody God we’ve still got Kieren Perkins to keep us warm at night.

This is Clayton reporting, from London, via his Telly, in Australia.

Peter: The Whinging Games

Come on. Is anyone actually surprised? Really? The whiniest, whingiest Olympics ever is being held in England? Well, what a fucking shock.

But it’s not just the Poms who are complaining about everything; Australia is doing a fair old job and the US isn’t far behind. But at least the Aussies are complaining about important things like all the athletes hating each other and no one winning any gold medals. The yanks are just having a go at their best swimmer for losing … to another American! China’s having a sook because everyone’s accusing them of being drug cheats again and North Korea got upset because – what? Somebody put the flag of your most hated enemy up next to your athletes? Build a bridge, mother fuckers. Oh wait, you can’t afford things like infrastructure, can you. You’re too busy building missiles that don’t work and throwing massive parties to celebrate stuff like the birthday of one of the ten people in your country that isn’t starving to death. I forgot, sorry. Why are they even allowed to compete at shit like this anyway?

There also seems to be an unhealthy obsession with gold in this, the XXX Olympiad (god, why hasn’t more been made of that? Surely it’s the perfect year to introduce Ejaculating into the track and field events). It’s like every country has turned into that guy with the dick made of gold in the Austin Powers movie. Shouldn’t it be about the honour of competing at the highest level? And gold looks tacky anyway. Silver’s classy and bronze never goes out of style.

Something that people can’t complain about at the London Olympics though is the beach volleyball. The organisers have really outdone themselves here. Really, really, really outdone themselves. You know how at Twenty20 cricket matches they have cheerleaders in little skirts? Y’know, to make the game even more exciting. Well, at the beach volleyball apparently it’s not exciting enough to have female athletes wear swimsuits and sweat – oh no – so the awesome people at VISA and Coca-Cola decided to get the Twenty20 girls to do some of their routines between games. In little skirts. And bikinis. Just to spice things up a bit. Sometimes they even have words of encouragement like ‘VISA’ and ‘Coca-Cola’ emblazoned across their chests.

This has been Peter, not giving a toss about the Olympics if it isn’t being held in my backyard.

2 Responses to The OOOOOh!lympics: Week One

  1. Cowboy says:

    Incredible results for Australia. Incredibly bad.

  2. Quin says:

    In my mind the Olympics is just a lot of hash.

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