Spain, huh? Spain, Spain, Spain, Spain, Spain. You would’ve probably predicted it if you weren’t worried about being so boringly predictable. Sure, they’re good and the majority of them play for Barcelona and Real Madrid, but who says they deserve to win another major trophy? The Gods, that’s who. Well, the Footballing ones, whoever they are. Probably like the other ones but with more shirts over heads and gesticulating hands in that Paolo Di Canio kinda way.
Sure, the tournament tested the patience and will of all those outside Europe. Games scheduled for the middle of the goddamn night at times even the World Cup didn’t seem to touch on. But with tired commitment comes reward, and that reward was goals and penalty drama and also musical goodness in the shape of German footballers. That’s right, I’m talking about Lucas Podolski who, with some band, was involved in the re-releasing of a song called Halleluja. Whatever that means. Something to do with grabbing your coach by the throat, knowing ol’ Luca.
So Spain taught Italy a lesson in the big GF with a four-nil jamoking. Who saw that coming? Well, RRH’s very own Elron did. Him and his hungover ways tipped the Italians to win the lot. Almost pulling off the complete Drunken Master of tips – oh so close big fella. The cap is firmly tipped to you, my friend.
By comparison, I went out on somewhat of a limb and predicted Germany to bring home the bacon. They certainly didn’t but did were a much safer drop of cabbage at the TAB than England were, courtesy of our good friend Pete, who predicted they’d finally come good and be crowned champions. Oh how the mighty are useless at tipping!
What’s more exciting than a surprise? Oral sex, probably. But unfortunately you can’t get that in written format (not with any moisture anyway) so tipping the Surprise Package around the office was always going to raise a few eyebrows. And eyebrows were certainly … well, at half mast for the most part. Whilst Elron thought England making it out of the group would be a surprise and Pete tipping them to win it, the boys split satisfactions in that regard. And I thought Ireland might at least do something, they absolutely let me down and did very little apart from taking heaps of fans over and getting a Minister of Sport shitfaced along the way. Not a word of a lie. Youtube it, my friends.
Pete also tipped Zlatan to turn up and drag Sweden to some kind of promised land. But, Pete’s an idiot. Which leads us to the Tournament Flop. I actually put all testicles on the line (metaphorically, we have line hygiene to consider) and named names. Zlatan was that name and he duly delivered by contributing very little outside of one nice consolation goal. Peter surprised no one and said Spain would flop and didn’t they just show him? Puh! Elron said Portugal and they looked good for his money early on but managed to kick into gear and push right up til Semi Final penalty time.
Golden Boot is a fairly simple one. RVP took inspiration from all of his teammates and shot more blanks than a cap gun (well, he did get one), leaving Peter holding his limp pistol in the tipping stakes once again. Nando Torres proudly won the GB on a technicality, that technicality I refuse to acknowledge and opt to claim my correct answer prize as my tip of Mario Gomez joined Fernando and three other blokes (Mandzucik, Ronaldo, Dzagoev) with a total of 3 in the competition. It’s good to be The King! Elron opted for a smart arse answer, saying ‘the entire German team’ so he again gets a big shaky cross next to his name.
Finally, to the Honourable Mentioner category. Which I am happy to report can be shared amongst the group. Pete and I chose France to do well and despite half the team getting cranky with each other and finding themselves dropped (which is fantastic management by the way, atta boy Laurent, you’ve got my vote, sunshine) for the do or die clash. God only knows how they (and by the same laws of ridiculous impossibility) and the Dutch would fare if they could manage to get along for five bloody minutes. Whereas Elron predicted ‘fun’ to be the biggest drawcard of all. How fantastically right he was again. The Euros. Proving as suggested to be Fun for Euro and me.
I’m Clayton. And these were your Euros…
* blows out candle, wipes tear from eye *
* accidently pokes eye ball, winces, double blinks, composes self, exits room gracefully yet manly *