A week has flown by and not one upset. No, England not getting beaten 4-0 by France isn’t an upset. Calm down everyone! Plenty of draws and all the big boys came out unscathed, apart from Holland. Although one of the host nations got a win, which is unusual.
One of the Italian players upset everybody (which has almost become the norm in recent tournaments – has Zizou’s mother recovered from that insult yet?!) by saying that he hopes none of his teammates are ’poofs’. I’m not sure what prompted this homophobic slur (a misunderstanding in the showers?) but he’s come out (ooh!) and said he’s sorry. Sorry that he doesn’t like gay people. Ohhhh, what a nice guy.
In other news Nicklas Bendtner got in trouble for half-pantsing himself to show off his underwear sponsor after scoring his second goal against Portugal – Classic Bendtner behaviour – and Arjen Robben is in a grump, a slump and a funk. Oh, if only ‘chump’ rhymed with those words too …
To the groups!
Group A – Arshavin is player of the tournament so far and if you don’t think so, you’re mad. Mad! Anyway, I had no idea what Lewandowski looked like before Poland’s big opening game. I’d heard of him. I’d heard he was good. But I didn’t how bloody tall he was and I think his height will get Poland through to the knockout stages. Speaking of knockouts – how about all the violence?! Sol Campbell was right; Poland and Ukraine are dangerous shitholes if you’re foreign looking and/or have a long history of skinheads and war with your neighbouring country. And did anyone notice the reaction of one of the Czech players after they beat Greece? He went mental! Screaming his lungs out with double fist pumps, hugging everyone he could get his hands on. Dude … it was Greece! The last nation you should be rubbing it in to.
Group B – Oooooooh. Denmark are scary. They are so. Fucking. Scary. Has this been called the ‘Group of Death’? It should be called the ‘Group of Fear’. And what the hell are Portugal doing? Scoring fifteen goals in a game or getting beaten 1-0. But for once they didn’t rely on Gel-naldo (can’t believe no one’s said that before!) to get the ball in the defensive half, dribble around four players, pass the ball to himself and score a spectacular goal. Nice. I’d say Germany vs. Holland was the game of the tournament. Just to see the Germans destroy Holland in the first half and Holland wake up a little bit in the second. Let’s just pretend it was the final. Congratulations Germany!
Group C – Italy vs. Spain? Yawn! I was up for some Spain vs. Republic of Ireland. Yeah! Spain took austerity advice from Republic of Ireland while handing out their own on how to play football. 75 shots on target to 2? Christ … But were Ireland (I’m not bloody writing ‘Republic of bloody Ireland’ every bloody time) unlucky to cop three goals against a very nice-looking Croatia side? Well, the Jelavic one certainly was, but since when are the Irish meant to be unlucky? Oh … there was that one time against France a few years back … But I tell ya, Italy should’ve been very afraid of Croatia. Croatia like to score goals. Ooh, they love it. Balotelli likes to do lots of things – we all know that – but apparently scoring goals wasn’t on his list of things to do against Croatia or Spain. How good was the casual stroll he took towards goal?! Only to get scythed down fairly and squarely by the guy who dropped the trophy! Oh Super Mario! More like … Slowpoke Mario. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Group D – Forget the hoo-ha of Le Ros Boeuf vs. France, how good are Ukraine? They’ll win the lot now. Or not win another game, I don’t really care, but it’s so nice seeing a 38-year-old Schevchenko score. Why did he go to Chelsea? What a waste of fucking time that was. Who’d Ukraine play again? Oh yeah, Sweden. Sweden, who were forced to play against a team that were actually wearing their strips. There’s nothing worse than that. England did well (good on ‘em I say!) and France got snippy at the media (nobody likes an arrogant millionaire).
What’s coming up?
England face their hoodoo team in Sweden and France have a chance to humiliate Ukraine in front of their home fans. They’d love to do that, wouldn’t they. Shameless.
Russia are going to invade Greece while the Czechs and the Poles will fight it out to be No. 2.
Portugal could send Holland home winless and Germany will face Denmark unafraid (or will they?).