We’ve all been left. No, not handed or like a communist, I mean someone has left us. In the lurch or behind. Or just plain ‘for another guy or girl’. Clayton left RobertRedfordsHair to go on holiday. I can’t remember if it was enforced leave or if one day he just piped up at a meeting to say he was leaving for an extended period, but either way he’s not here right now so I have to do a lot more around the office. I used to just tap half-eaten chicken drumsticks on empty pots and pans …
Anyway, here’s a guide to dealing with this kind of shit.
Step 6 … No Sleep Til …
What more do I need to teach you? I mean, why are you even still hanging around? You’ve got your new friends, your new TV and let’s face it, a new and better life. What more do you want from this six step program? Oh … a sixth step! Well, I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do … we’re gonna have a party.
That’s right, there’s nothing better than having a party to announce something big to the world. People do it for all kinds of things these days. Sweet Sixteen. Legal Eighteen. Legal in America Twenty-One. Coming Out Party. Just Got Married Party. Finally Divorced Party. Thank God It’s Friday and of course, the This Is All About Me Party.
Okay, guests. All your new friends, obviously, but try and get a few celebrities to come too. No A-listers – you’re not there yet – but surely you can get some B grade celebrities and if you can’t get C grade then you’re not even trying. It’s not a matter of rolling out the red carpet or any shit like that; it’s all about how well you can lie. A great place to start is the internet.
A great example of this was when I was about twenty-one and used imdb.com to find the agent’s contact details for a Neighbours actress I thought was hot at the time. I think I had just written a screenplay about being a teenager which was absolutely amazing but I understood that I needed star power to get it across a big Hollywood producer’s desk. So I got her agent’s email address, made up a production company name (since forgotten) and expressed interest in having this hot actress audition for the lead role in an upcoming major Australian film. Almost immediately I got a response from her agent (perhaps showing how C grade she was) saying that she was totally interested and wanted to see a copy of the script. What the fuck? I never actually sent it but this interaction certainly shows how easy it is to get in touch with ‘their people’ and get a positive response.
So, you’ve got your friends and some minor celebrities coming to your big party but there is one more guest you have to make sure is on the invitation list. Yes, that’s right. The son of a bitch who left. It’s time to present the new you and show them how fucking brilliant your life has become without them. You hang out with Neighbours stars for Christ’s sake!
There’s nothing left to do now but get drunk. Dance like crazy. Puke on Susan Kennedy and hopefully one day write a screenplay about it all.