We’ve all been left. No, not handed or like a communist, I mean someone has left us. In the lurch or behind. Or just plain ‘for another guy or girl’. Clayton left RobertRedfordsHair to go on holiday. I can’t remember if it was enforced leave or if one day he just piped up at a meeting to say he was leaving for an extended period, but either way he’s not here right now so I have to do a lot more around the office. I used to be the lead singer of your favourite band …
Anyway, here’s a guide to dealing with this kind of shit.
Step 5 … No Need For A Name
What was that person’s name anyway? The one who left you? Ummm … Oh. Who cares? They’re gone and you’ve moved on, so don’t even bother trying to remember. You do all the work around here, you pat yourself on the back and you remember to lock the office and turn the lights out before you go home.
Occasionally you’ll come across this person’s name though, and it’ll all come flooding back. The pain. The misery. The memories of all the fun you had and how easy life was when it wasn’t just you doing all the work. You have to avoid this shit the best you can. We don’t want to go alllllll the way back to step 1. That was hell and to be honest I don’t think you have the strength to do it.
You’ve met a bunch of new people so that’s good. Hopefully none of them have the same name as the arsehole who left, but in case they do, just call them ‘mate’. Or even ‘pal’. You should even add them to your phone as ‘mate’ or ‘pal’. If one of your other new friends asks you what their name is just say ‘I don’t know’.
Definitely delete their details on your phone if you haven’t already. Old texts, numbers and addresses or whatever. If you feel that maybe you want to do some pranking at some stage, just edit their name. Something like ‘Person who may one day have to take out a restraining order against me because I’ve failed the 6 Step Program’. This might be too long so just go with ‘John or Jane Doe’.
Don’t read books, newspapers or magazines for a while. That shit is full of names and you’re just asking for trouble. Brochures are okay but not property brochures because real estate agents have names.
TV isn’t so bad because people don’t actually use names so much on TV. You just have to avoid the opening and closing credits, that’s all. And don’t watch game shows.
Uh-oh. Did you get that son of a bitch’s name tattooed somewhere on your hideous body? Wait, you got one of their face? Jesus Christ … Well, I hope you’ve saved up your money because that shit has got to come off.
Next Week … Step Six. The Final Step